News - April 2, 2025

The corpos have finally lost it, choombas. Trump just kicked off a full-scale trade war with penguins. Yeah, you heard right. The latest tariff tantrum slapped a 10% import tax on the Heard and McDonald Islands, a pair of icy rocks in the middle of nowhere, populated exclusively by penguins, seals, and probably some very confused seagulls. No humans, no industry, no exports—just tuxedoed birds getting hit with economic sanctions. Aussie PM’s scratching his head, the EU’s laughing, and some corpo exec somewhere is probably drafting plans for the first McPenguin fast food chain.

Meanwhile, the global economy is having a cyberpsychotic episode. Orange Gonk’s new import tax starts at 10% baseline but spikes up to 34% on China, 24% on Japan, and nearly 50% on some developing nations. Tokyo’s Nikkei just faceplanted, Wall Street’s running scared, and corpo traders are watching their portfolios burn. Prez T is calling it Liberation Day. The rest of the world is calling it economic warfare.

And just when you thought the day couldn’t get more gonk, Elon Musk has rage-quit his White House side gig. After gutting half the government in the name of “efficiency,” he’s finally dipping, saying he’s gotta “focus on Tesla.” Translation: stock’s tanking, deliveries are down 13%, and even his most chrome-plated fanboys are starting to wonder if he should log off for a while. But don’t think he’s out of the game—Musk says he’ll keep advising Trump from the shadows, probably between launching overpriced flamethrowers and selling meme coins.

So here we are, chooms. The corpos are now fighting birds, global trade is on fire, and Musk is heading back to the digital shadows. Stock up on eddies, keep your head low, and maybe start making friends with the local pigeon population—you never know which birds are next on the tariff hit list. And as always, remember to jack in, keep edgerunning, and shut these corpo gonks down.